I don’t have much to say, really. I’m trying really hard to stay positive and convince myself that my court date is just around the corner. The uncertainty is killing me – I’m somebody who needs boundaries and time-frames, I make lists, I never just go with the flow. Without any kind of solid news, I feel untethered. But I’m striving not to fall back into old habits: the old me had a tendency to indulge in negative circular thinking – taking my mind to some very dark places – that I couldn’t always reign in. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I want to be all about the Zen, even though I find myself swimming in the deep end of the negativity pool more and more often lately.

 

So, I’m making a concerted effort to recognize and express my emotions – all the frustration and anger and anxiety – and then just let it go. I’m not going to stew in it, I won’t spend all my spare time reading the message boards, feeding my own negativity; I’m going to move forward and make plans and try to distract myself. Because what I’ve been doing lately hasn’t been healthy, and it doesn’t accomplish anything except turn me into a basket-case who isn’t fit to be around people. It’s okay to worry about my daughter’s well-being and safety, it’s okay to be sad and even angry over circumstances I support but can’t control. But I have to find healthy outlets and distractions, instead of wallowing and paying interest on a debt that hasn’t come due.

 

I’ll still write here, because this is a good outlet, but I’m going to stop reading most blogs and I’ll probably stay off the message boards for a few weeks. I just can’t handle it right now and I really need to get my head in a better place. No, what I really, really need is a court date, even if it’s 4 months out – as long as I can plan ahead, I’m a happy girl.

 

 

On another note, even though I knew this was happening, it still make me sad. I have a ridiculous amount of love for James Murphy. Love this song so much: